It doesn't feel like I should be old enough to now have 2 adult children.
But I don't think time cares about how I feel.
It marches forward, relentlessly.
How can it be that just yesterday I was holding you in my arms for the first time? You were fat and hungry, with broad shoulders and hands and feet too big for your body. How can that moment, forever etched in my mind, coincide with this, your 18th birthday, as if they only happened moments apart?
Maybe it's a mom gift/curse, to see the life of her child playing like a movie reel at milestone moments.
Looking at the man you are becoming, I am not surprised. There were clues all along. I see them as I look back.
You always were the toughest little boy in any group you were in.
And also, you were the most sensitive.
You didn't cry at all when you had to get stitches in your eyebrow as a 2-year-old.
You cried buckets of tears when you lost your favorite hat.
Raising a son felt, from the beginning, like a terrifying, sacred calling.
It still feels like that.
I failed to be a good mom so many times, and so completely. I am struggling hard with the knowledge that my time as the number one girl in your life, and the number one influence on your decisions and choices...that time is coming to an end.
I have internally kicked and screamed and fought, my son, desperate for a flashback to a time when you looked at me with adoration, and willingly climbed into my lap for kisses.
But, also, I adore who you are now. You've always been kind and thoughtful and funny and tough. But the Lord, in His perfect way, has grown all those things in you, and added to them, and now you are a man I am proud to call my friend.
There are so many things I still want to teach you, and protect you from, and remind you of, and forbid you from doing, and encourage you to try.
I feel a bit of panic, actually, wondering how the big, bad world will treat my firstborn son.
Here are a few things to remember, as you set that chiseled jaw of yours toward the future.
1. You will fail. A lot. That's okay. It's part of life. Embrace the lesson in the failure. If you will learn from it, you'll fail less spectacularly the next time.
2. Be willing to accept what you excel at. Don't hide it. Use it. It honors the Lord when you use your talents.
3. Don't hide the areas where you are weak, either. Use them to allow others to help you. But also, push yourself to get better in that area. Your biggest weaknesses now could become your most celebrated strengths by the time you're old like your parents. ;)
4. If you have to choose where to expend your energy, always choose the thing that draws you closer to the Lord. Never pursue an earthly passion or goal at the expense of the pursuit of holiness. The Lord is kind, my son. He will give you opportunities to accomplish goals. But, He is also jealous for your heart. Give it fully to Him, no matter what else you might have to give up. You may experience some regret over things you didn't get to do in this life. But you will regret MUCH MORE a life spent in pursuit of anything over HIM.
5. Tithe. It postures your heart in obedience. It reminds you that the Lord God alone is the giver of every breath, blessing, and CENT you have in your possession.
6. Wear deodorant. Brush your teeth. Clip your toenails. Put the toilet seat up AND back down. I know you're grown, but if the past 18 years are any indication...you still need reminding sometimes.
7. Never forget that I can still beat you up. However strong you are, however tall, no matter how old I get...I can still pop you in the back of the head with my shoe. And I will. Don't even test me.
8. I'll always have clarifying questions about Star Wars, and basketball, and Marvel. Be patient with me. I'm asking because I want to know what you think, and because I like talking to you about things you like.
9. If you get arrested for defending one of your brothers, or your sister, or for defending what is RIGHT...I'll bail you out of jail. If you get arrested for doing something stupid...you're on your own.
10. Your whole life you have been loud. Make sure you're the loudest in your love for the Lord. Sing. Laugh. Pray. Talk. All of it. Do it loudly, pointing to Him. Your heart to follow Him and serve Him is a great blessing to me, sweet boy. Make sure it's the thing others remember about you the most.
I could keep going. You know I could. If I could sit down right now and play legos or transformers or super heroes or cars or trains with you... I would do that in heartbeat. Today I am filled with longing for those moments.
And also, I am filled with joy that you and I have survived each other and arrived at this day, your 18th birthday.
Welcome to adulthood, Claybot. I'll still make you chocolate milk anytime you want it.
