I have a "to-do" list on my kitchen counter, which I created on Sunday in an effort to feel less anxious about all the things I needed to accomplish this week.
One of the lines says, simply, "BLOG."
That's right, I had to put it on my list in order to make myself sit down and do it.
I've marked off over half of the list now, and some of the things can't be done until tomorrow, so my excuses for putting off "BLOG" have dwindled.
It's strange how sometimes I have so many words bursting inside of me that I cannot type them fast enough, or find time soon enough to get them out, and other times I have waaaaaaay too many trains of thought to narrow it down to one blog, and so I experience writer's block (if a blogger can have such a thing.)
You know how sometimes there are SO MANY things that must be done, and so you just don't do any of them, and choose to sit around watching HGTV all day? (me either...I never do that...)
This is like that, but with emotions.
There are TOO MANY this week, and so I've just been avoiding them all, and staying busy with marking things off my list, and even adding more things to mark off as the days roll on.
Each emotionally stunting occurrence could be a blog all its own, if I had time for that.
1. My son turned 13 on Monday. I am now the mother of 2 teenagers.
2. One of my best friends selflessly gave of her time to update/consolidate/revamp my blog and website.
3. My book is entering it's second print run, and copies were delivered to my house.
4. I am preparing to embark upon my first missions trip in NINETEEN years. We leave Saturday.
See what I'm saying? WAAAAAAY too many emotions.
My friend keeps telling me, "Now that the website and blog are updated, you need to write, and then share it, and don't forget to put something in there about the book reprinting."
And I may or may not throw a toddler sized tantrum every time she says it.
I absolutely pitched an internal fit last night when we went to dinner and my son had to be counted as an adult.
Every time I walk into my bedroom and see the half packed suitcase and the packing list on top of it, I get the sudden urge to come down with a very serious virus that lasts so long I cannot possibly travel anywhere.
Can writer's block be caused by too many things to say/process, rather than not enough? Because...
All mixed up in all of this, running through every vein of my body, pounding like a drum in my spirit, are reminders from the Lord. He's been giving me scriptures and revelations for weeks now, as if to prepare me for the emotional overload I am currently experiencing.
I wrote down one of the verses and put it in my car, so that I would see it every single day.
"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid." John 14:27
I read it on Monday, in the parking lot of Target, and then I wept the entire way home.
Yesterday I put on my Refuge Necklace, and read the verse in the box.
"He alone is my refuge, my place of safety...He will cover you with His feathers. He will shelter you beneath His wings...I will rescue those who love Me. I will protect those who trust my name." Psalm 91:2,4,14
As I read, I gripped the charms around my neck, and I gasped out quick prayer. And in my heart, I felt His presence, sheltering me, comforting me.
I m not brave. Only brave people leave home and travel to the other side of the world to share the good news of Jesus. (I might be crazy, though, because only crazy people leave their husband and three sons alone and in charge of the house for 2 weeks.)
I'm not famous or important, nor do I have any hope of ever being either one. Only famous people think its okay to attempt to become authors, and reprint their books, and ask people to care. (I might be dumb, though, because I have both reprinted and asked you to care, despite knowing I'm remarkably average. At least I recognize that I'm doing the dumb thing, right?)
I am FOR SURE not prepared for the hormones of two teenagers, nor do I feel old enough for such a fact to be true. (I am old enough, though. My body tells me so every time I work out, and my kids remind me at least a dozen times a day. Also, there are gray hairs and wrinkles...)
I'm not a good enough friend to warrant anyone spending their time helping me. (And by helping, I mean ONE HUNDRED PERCENT doing it for me.) (At least I offered to pay her...so I am at least a mediocre friend who is aware of acceptable etiquette...)
Sigh...this blog isn't really going anywhere, is it? Which, I suppose, speaks to my emotional status. It's a giant tangled up, matted, mess. Like my hair when I wake up.
But then...then I read more things from the Word.
- I abide in Christ, He abides in me, and I bear much fruit. (John15:5)
- I am the temple of the Living God. (2 Corinthians 6:16)
- My weaknesses are opportunities for God to display His power. (2 Corinthians 12:10)
- My steps are ordered by the Lord. (Psalm 37:23)
- In Christ, I am whole and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:4)
I could go on, and on, and on.
But I won't. Because the few that I have listed are enough. For me. For you. For us all.
HE. IS. ENOUGH.
The emotional roller coaster of this week continues, hurtling down hills and thrashing me around the corners and taunting me with the slow uphill climbs toward the next big drop and curve.
But I am covered by His wings, and He gave me the gift of peace.
And the gift of selfless friends. And a teenage son. And the privilege of being an author. And the opportunity to share all of what He has done for me and who He is to me with people who yearn to know.
Because He takes the remarkably average and makes it (me) remarkable. For His sake. For His name. For His glory.
Emotional writers block and all.