I haven't blogged in a while.
I've been really busy, but I'm always busy so that isn't the main reason I haven't sat down with my laptop to spill my guts to the waiting chasm of digital space.
I've been in a serious funk lately, and I've been waiting to snap out of it before blogging, because a blog post filled with my craziness that doesn't end with a little bit of Jesus is just me ranting and venting...and that's really just code for WHINING.
So, weeks have gone by, and every time I glance at my laptop and think about sitting down to write a post, I can't do it, because the funk remains.
Maybe its because I've been doing end-of-year testing with my kids the past two weeks, and potty training my 3-year-old, and those are two of my least favorite things IN THE WORLD. After all, you would hate it too if your child took off his pants and underwear (so he didn't get them dirty) and then climbed into an empty laundry basket and peed.
Sigh. I won't go on, because then I will be venting and ranting and whining, and my Uncle Paul's voice will suddenly be echoing in my mind. "Suck it up and go, kid."
So, I keep waiting, and listening for the Lord, and looking for the moment when something new will strike my heart and snap me out of this crabby, stressed out mess of a wife and mom and friend and daughter that I am currently acting like.
And weeks have gone by.
I keep hearing songs on the radio that speak of exactly how I feel. "I'm tired, I'm worn...I know I need to lift my eyes up, but I'm too weak...my prayers are wearing thin..." But those songs always end with some Jesus...and somehow by the time I get to those parts in the songs, I'm already too tired and worn and weak to really truly HEAR Jesus.
I'm not getting anything new, Lord, and I really need something new from You. I need to hear You. I'm fraying at the edges.
And then my husband read me this passage of scripture.
"I think of God and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for His help. You don't let me sleep, I am too distressed even to pray. I think of the good old days, long since ended, when my nights were filled with joyful songs. I search my soul and think about the difference now. Has the Lord rejected me forever? Have His promises permanently failed? Has God forgotten to be kind? Has He slammed the door on His compassion? And I said "This is my fate, that the blessings of the Most High have turned to hatred."
(dude, this guy seriously needs an Uncle Paul to tell him to suck it up.) (I almost giggled at all the whining, except I feel exactly that way right now!!!) (okay, enough parentheses, here is the next verse.)
"But I will remember what the Lord has done..." (Psalm 77:3-11a, NLT)
And all of a sudden, as my husband continued to read, I was thrown back in time to the first time I really HEARD this passage of scripture 9 years ago, and I remembered the dark place I was in, and how the discipline of REMEMBERING what the Lord had done throughout my life helped me to move out of that place.
And I started to cry. Because the Lord hadn't given me anything new or fresh, but instead had reminded me of what I already knew.
And the funk remains, but I am remembering that it doesn't last forever.
And my heart is tired, but I recall that He is strong.
And my emotions are frayed, but I am reminded that He will hold the threads together.
And my spirit is dry, but I cannot ever forget that HE IS THE WATER FOR MY THIRSTY SOUL.
And it isn't an immediate snapping out of anything, but instead, its a daily choice to suck up how I FEEL, and instead rely on what is TRUE, and WHO IS FAITHFUL.
"You are the God of miracles and wonders!" (Psalm 77:14)