Day 9

A day of ups and downs, that's what I took away from yesterday.

The enemy was hard at work, as he always is, but it's much more obvious in us when we are tired and hot and lost in the city and riding on a public bus and eating every hour (with a grateful smile to keep from offending our hosts)

But the good far outweighed the bad.

Because the enemy has territory here, but we are fighting him for it. And not just for territory in Kazakhstan, but in each of our hearts and minds and spirits.

We prayed for people, and we prayed for each other, and we set our faces resolutely to do the day.

And then we arrived at the house we were eating dinner at.

The woman was shaking her head and in a flurry, trying to figure out how to seat us all around her small table. She had gone to every apartment in the building to ask for a bigger one, but nobody had one she could use.

Her son assured her that it was fine if we laid out a table cloth on the floor and sat around it. She continued to shake her head and cover her face, but eventually we convinced her that we were thrilled just to spend time with her, and we didn't care at all to sit on the floor.

She served us plates of all our favorite things. I was so surprised that every single one of my most especially loved dishes was on the table.

She told us that she had called everyone else whose house we had been to, and asked what dishes we had liked the most, and she made them all.

We were stunned speechless.

And then she began to share her testimony with us.

Her son, who was sitting beside her, wept as she spoke.

"My husband and I divorced when our children were small. My son stayed with his father, and my daughter came with me.

I didn't know how badly my son was being treated. His father drank, and beat him.

And then one night his father tried to attack him, and my son killed his father. He was sent to prison.

Last year your team prayed for my son and our situation, and two months later, he was released for good behavior.

I wanted to have you here today to thank you for praying, to thank you for the miracle of my son coming back to me.

I wanted to make the most beautiful table for you. I wanted it to be such a special meal."

I wish I could describe the feeling we all had in that moment. Only 4 people on our team had been there to pray for her the year before, but she was thanking us ALL. And not only thanking us, but yearning to thank us so desperately that she called around to find out our favorite dishes and tried to borrow a table from her whole building.

We wept.

It was the most humbling experience of my life.

GOD did that miracle for her and her son. And she was so grateful to Him that it spilled over onto us.

I will never, ever forget her face, her tears, the way she spoke lovingly of and to her son.

Thank you, Lord, for reminders of Your mercy, and for allowing us to witness Your miracles and be partakers of Your great love and grace. We can never, ever thank you enough.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me. Because He has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the Lord's favor has come." Luke 4:8-19

Day 8

I wish that I could take out my eyes and ears and heart and lend them to you for a minute. I feel that there is no way to explain with words all that we are experiencing here.

But I'm going to try. Because I've had a shower (since the water is back on for at least a few hours) and I'm feeling spunky rather than caked in sweat for the first time in 3 days.

Imagine a place where you had no access to online preachers, or devotional books, and where you were required, for the sake of your safety, to be quiet about your prayer and worship and belief in the Lord.

Imagine having minimal contact with other believers, and almost no way to get advice on spiritual struggles.

Imagine keeping a list of prayer requests and questions, and adding to it often, and then walking to a place where you heard Americans had come, and bringing that list with you.

Imagine sitting down in a circle of people who don't speak your language, and listening to them sing songs you don't understand, and feeling, for perhaps the first time in a year, the presence of the Lord in a group of believers. And you weep in the midst of it, because your soul has been lonely.

And then you are asked to share your prayer requests...and you pull out your tattered list, worn with the worry of your fingers, crinkled from being carried in a pocket or purse, damp from sweat and tears, and you share with the strangers in front of you. All the things in your heart pour out, without hesitation, without shame or pride, with only a desire for a touch from the Lord.

I can't explain it well enough. It is more than I can even bear. Their hearts are in their eyes. Their hands tremble as they share their burdens with us, because they haven't been able to share them for so long.

And then we pray.

Us, these selfish, entitled, comfortable, free Americans...we bow our heads and close our eyes and lay our sweat soaked hands on theirs, and we start out...

"Lord..."

And the Lord is in our midst. And we weep. And they weep. And our hearts become one.

And when we finish, there is laughter among us, because how can we do anything else in the presence of the God of the world?

"Who am I, O Lord...that you have brought me this far? What can I say about the way You have honored me? You know what Your servant is really like. For the sake of Your servants, O Lord, and according to YOUR WILL, You have done all these great things and made them known. O Lord, there is no one like You. We have never even heard of another God like You." First Chronicles 17:16-20

Day 7

So, how about some humor for a minute?

Y'all, it is HOT here right now. Really, in the grand scheme of things, its not so bad, but take a minute and digest these words...

No. Air. Conditioning. In. The. Bus.

Picture sitting for an hour, and then standing up...and leaving a butt-shaped puddle in the seat.

Yuck. (Or "Foo" in Russian.)

Also, the inability to flush the toilet paper, while not a terribly tragic hardship, is proving a challenge for the habitual among us. As in...at least one member of our team has had to fish TP out of the toilet no less than 6 times.

Foo.

The water goes on and off randomly in our apartment, and that makes it even more interesting. Imagine eating a GIGANTIC meal, which you have to eat all of because the faces of the cooks are expectantly wondering what your thoughts are, and then returning to your apartment to find that, regardless of how badly you need to "take care of business" ...there is no water to flush the business.

We have all become very familiar with each other's 'I need to poop' faces.

Foo.

Yesterday we drove two hours to have lunch in homes of church members, and we once again experienced the overwhelming love of the Kazakh people. The table was so crammed with plates of food, and surrounded by so many chairs we were encouraged to occupy, that we could barely move.

And, may I refer you once again to the opening line.

It. Is. Hot. And. There. Is. No. AC.

Todd was honored with the gift of a traditional Kazakh robe and hat, which he had to put on immediately, our translator informed us, so as not to offend.

Sweat was rolling from his brow. He was poised and grateful, and DRENCHED in sweat.

I'm giggling right now, just thinking about it.

The Lord continues to move, and we continue to struggle with our selfishness in the face of it. The heat and the discomfort and the long days and short hours of rest take their toll, and we get on each others' nerves and bite each others' heads off and then we go and stand in front of people who ask us to pray for them.

I can't describe how humbling that is, and how convicting.

Tomorrow begins prayer meetings, where I am told that people will walk for miles to have us lay hands on them, and wait all year to have us pray again.

There are tears among us as we anticipate what the Lord is asking of us, and knowing our failures in light of it. Please lift us up. We are only lumps of clay, as my mama says, and we are unworthy of all the Lord is asking of us.

But we are here. And we are blessed that you pray for us.

"Lord,

You are great, and merciful, and powerful, and holy, and righteous, and WORTHY of the light and momentary discomfort of our days. We are so unworthy to be used by You, but we offer what we have, and we thank You in advance that you will hear us. We are EXCITED to be used by You.

Amen."

Days 5 and 6

It hardly seems possible that our time is half way done here in Kazakhstan. According to our family back home, we've been gone FOREVER, but so far it has gone by quickly for us here.

ESL ended yesterday, and as expecting, we were all sad. What if we never see those sweet faces again? Can 10 total hours with a child actually impact them? Did we smile enough? Laugh enough? Hug enough? Pray for them in our hearts enough?

I felt a sense of loss, telling them goodbye. So many faces, and so little time with them, and still they knew me, and I knew them, and it was hard to let go.

Today we are traveling two hours to another town, to a Salem church plant, to have lunch with the believers there. They, of course, will be serving it to us. The excitement and hospitality and love we receive everywhere we go continues to be a breathtaking blessing.
 
The discomfort of the unfamiliar is a topic of conversation among the team, and while it is often comical, and WAY TMI (the food difference, for example, is having one digestive affect on some, and the opposite digestive affect on others, and we are ALL talking freely about it) the Lord reminds me daily that I am blessed beyond measure. Either through the scripture in my devotion, or a whisper from His spirit, or the conversations with the people here, I am challenged to seek more of His presence, and less of the comforts I am so familiar with.

Christianity in America is often lazy, and tepid, and habitual. Probably because we have never had to strive for it in secret, and refrain from saying words like "pastor" and "church" and "Bible" and "Jesus" the way the believers here do. We probably won't be disowned by our families for accepting Christ, and so we don't feel the urgency to press into Him the way they do here.

As we visited home churches last night, I found myself begging for some of that urgency to rub off on me. I want to take home the deep seated ache for MORE of the Lord's presence and direction and fellowship that they carry with them every day.

It humbles and convicts and inspires us all.

"Lord,

We worry so much that we won't be able to do Your work well, when really all we need to do is walk in Your presence, and we will leave footprints that resemble You.

We smile, and You move forward. We laugh, and You breathe out mercy. We serve, and You pour blessings. We receive acts of kindness, and You minister rewards. You are in everything we do here. Everything. How we long for it to be true in our comfortable places too. Make us more uncomfortable than ever before, so that we can long for, and run toward, more of You.

Amen."

Day 4

Today was our last full day of English classes. Tomorrow we will cram in a few more words and phrases, we will hand out balloons and pencils and bouncy balls and stickers, and we will stand up and perform, with our age group of children, a skill or song or combination of words we have been using this week. It's the big finale of ESL.

After all the lesson preparations, all the nail biting over whether it would work or not, all the excitement and terror...its hard to believe this first week of "missions work" is drawing to a close.

Our students are so smart, and so intent on learning English. They are competitive with one another, desperate to please us, and filled with laughter. Our hearts will never be the same after this week with them.

I can't pronounce many of their names, the same way they look at me blankly when I tell them my name. Instead, I am simply "teacher." And I melt inside every time one of them says it.

I know their faces, though, and each of them knows mine, and they race each other to hug me and sit beside me and hold my hand. When we say goodbye tomorrow, I will be heartbroken.

A trip outside the comfort zone, out into the world where the Light is unwelcome and the darkness is all that is known, has a way of exposing all our weaknesses and flaws and sins, so that all our rough edges are beginning to be visible to everyone. I don't know if that makes sense.

Think of it like this. Our spirits are like the wick of a candle, covered in wax. As it is held up to the heat, the wax begins to burn away. And as it melts, we see that there is dirt and grime and ugliness hidden beneath the outside veneer of the wax. And the only way to remove it from the wax is to hold it closer to the heat, so that it melts into a puddle, and all that is left is the Spirit at the center.

That's what it's like here. That's what missions is always like. That's what every day SHOULD always be like. We should crave being held up to the flame, so that all our ugliness and unkindness and selfishness can be burned away in the Light of Him, until only the Spirit remains.

But while the heat radiates, we are uncomfortable and edgy and all our nerve endings are exposed.

There is so much more in front of us, so much more exposure to the LIGHT, so many more things to melt off our lives. Pray for us. Pray that we can bear the heat, and stand beside each other in it, and come out on the other side as only the wick, only the Spirit.

"Lord,

Understanding Your ways is too much to fathom. To witness a woman coming to salvation, despite our flaws and failures in sharing and reflecting You, is more than we can comprehend. We can only weep out of grateful hearts. We can only ask to be Your vessels again, and again, and again, until the whole world hears of Your greatness and love.

We are in awe of You, Lord. Help us to know You better and show You better. Every day.

Amen."

Days 2 and 3

Update!

The wifi has been down in our apartment building since late Monday night. (I know that’s actually early Monday morning to you all. I am writing on Wednesday morning KZ time, but Tuesday evening USA time. It's confusing.)

Going without wifi has further added to the “roughing it” feeling for us all, though our bags did finally arrive, and I ceased having to lend my toothbrush to a friend.

But no wifi meant no blog post yesterday. And though it is still out today, and we remain unsure of when it will be fixed, Pastor Bruce has said I can tie into his phone’s hot spot long enough to post an update. YAY.

It’s impossible to explain how it is here. The first two days at the school, I was swallowing the choking lump in my throat all day long. Little girls climbed into my lap and wrapped my arms around themselves. Little boys blushed when I winked at them, and cheered when I helped them win a see-saw tug of war, and laughed at me when I tried to pass a soccer ball and missed my intended target.

Women work all day to prepare meals for us. Every time I sit down, I am humbled almost to tears. All they want is to serve us, though we are strangers they can’t understand, westerners who take life for granted and whine about a lack of wifi.

I’ve started a list of words I am trying to master in Russian. And while I am a sad, pitiful student, the people are so helpful. They try hard not to giggle as I butcher their language, and they repeat simple words like “hello” and “good job” and “delicious” over and over until I sort of get it right.

Our first youth church service was last night, and the heart-squeezing continued. They were all so eager for us to pray for them. US, these proud, complaining Americans, who never want to ask for prayer because it shows weakness, who are miserable without access to Facebook and Instagram, who struggle not to snap at each other every day. It is HARD to not flush the toilet paper down the toilet, and to not shiver because the air conditioner is running to the temperature someone else sets, and to not snarl at the person who finished the coffee before you got any.

We are broken, selfish, regular people, and they still come up, expectation in their eyes, and ask us to lift them up before the Lord, as if our prayers are somehow precious.

It’s impossible to explain…that’s all I’m saying. And so I will leave you with more prayers from our hearts, more pleas to the Creator to come and use what He has created in order to point to Himself.

Please continue to lift us up to the throne room. We continue to need it.

“Lord,

It’s a floodgate of too many feelings. My heart may ACTUALLY burst.

I can see You in the smiles of the children. As they pull my hands into theirs, and squeeze tight, I am undone. I literally ache, praying that Your love will seep out of me and be absorbed into them. Because I have known unconditional love, and I even take advantage of it sometimes, but many of them have never felt it. How I long to give them some of what has been given so freely to me.

Thank you for standing beside us, for flowing through us, for sending Your Spirit to cover our mistakes and failings, so that Your fame continues to spread.

Amen.”

For our present struggles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever. So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Day 1.

So, I think I've decided to not only post stories and updates and play-by-plays of my trip for the next two weeks.

I know my family and friends back home, who are praying for our team and waiting to hear all the news, will want the information, and so I will still do some of that.

But this morning, I've decided to come at things a little different.

Because if you've ever been on a missions trip before, you know that something shifts inside of you, almost the moment, it seems, that you set foot on the soil the Lord has beckoned you to walk.

If you've never been on a foreign trip before...I want you to be able to hear a little bit of what it's like, from a spiritual perspective, rather than just physical.

First, here is the brief update on the physical details.

Our checked luggage, all 22+ pieces of it, did not arrive from Moscow with us yesterday. We have been assured it will come today. But we aren't holding our breaths. Instead, we are making due with the few essentials we packed in our carry-ons, and it feels quite a bit like camping.

We begin ESL (English as a Second Language) camp today. Its our first chance to connect with the kids, forming relationships and soaking up their loving spirits even as we pray that the love of Jesus will pour out of us and soak into their hearts.

Jet lag is a REALITY this morning. Many of us have been up since 2 a.m., despite being exhausted to the point of falling asleep during dinner last night. The sun began to brighten the apartment before 5 a.m., so no one slept much past then. People are freshening up, and drinking coffee, and having devotions.

Chanting from the Muslim temple sounded in the night, a call to prayer, a worship of false gods.

But this morning, the birds chirp loudly, worshiping the One True God, because man may worship other things, but the WHOLE EARTH praises the Creator.

Breakfast preparations are beginning soon, but before I put on my shoes and tie back my hair and set my face to accomplish the task of the day, I wanted to share my prayer with you. This is what I wrote in my journal. This is what is really going on in all of our hearts.

"Lord,

How can my heart bear it all? Just a glimpse into the faces around me, and I weep. I feel a little piece of what You feel, and I cannot even breathe. You love for them is so great. I see it now. How could I not have seen it sooner?

Here I am, weak and tired and selfish and helpless, but here all the same. I want You to use me, Lord. But I don't know, still, why I have come, why You have brought me here. Is it for me? Is it for my teammates? Is it for this country?

If obedience follows blessing, I will continue to wait, here on the other side of the world, on the other side of responding to Your call.

I'm here, Lord. So do whatever You want to."

Pray for us today, all of you at home who are missionaries too.

Pray that we will be willing and able to say YES to whatever He has for us next.

Pray for His heart to be our hearts.

Pray that we will be able to bear the weight of all He reveals of Himself to us.